Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the bunker, a new scourge has descended upon us—the saga continues!
This insidious, odoriferous, barely visible, gaseous bacterium is very common and apparently, pretty much everywhere! It can be found under your toe-nails (and obviously more unmentionable areas), on your toothbrush, in your refrigerator and even in your glove box. It can be freely transported by the wind, by rain, by pets or rodents and even by the USPS. Children can easily pass it amongst themselves while at school or at the local swimming pool. Homes with forced air heating systems are problematic and there are even concerns that it may be distributed in the drinking water system.
The EPA has stated that this gaseous fungus is another significant contributor to global warming and depletion of the ozone layer—-second only to cow and termite flatulence.
It has also been implicated in tooth decay. Citing some early 20th Century studies that indicated that more than 1MM parts per BB of NOdara in the air could cause serious tooth decay in people who eat refined sugar and who are also genetically predisposed to tooth decay, the EPA has declared that repairs to the home’s indoor environment should be made when testing reveals levels to be above 900K parts per BB.
The CPSC agrees, citing the EPA’s findings.
WHO agrees, citing the CPSC. Ralph Nader and Al Gore agree, citing WHO? (I know WHO is on first, WHAT is on second—but I am more interested in WHY.)
A group of Nobel Price winning NOdara specialists met several months ago to establish a set of protocols to follow in order to test and mitigate this newest scourge that is threatening to make a big stink—-and muck-up life as we know it. However, no meaningful protocols are forthcoming due to unforeseen “complications” around figuring out exactly what the real science is, according to disappointed persons interviewed leaving the conference.
They have found, that until further research can be conducted (government grants are supposedly in the works), people should brush their nails vigorously with tooth paste and use a new toothbrush each time they brush their teeth. People are cautioned to NEVER (on their own teeth) use the same toothbrush that they have either brushed their toe-nails with, or have brushed their dog’s teeth with—or have brushed their walls with. They also recommend that EVERYTHING in one’s refrigerator be kept sealed in Tubberware containers.
Already, a fledgling industry of opportunistic entrepreneurs has blossomed like Stachybotrys across the country. These companies are trained and certified to test homes for NOdara, and to provide the necessary toothbrushes. On line schools to train and certify these NOdara specialists have popped up all over the internet—-enabling—yes enabling those that are VERY serious about getting started in this growing field to get certified over night.
Homeowners that hire these specialists can opt for weekly, monthly, or yearly plans that can include a never ending supply of toothbrushes. Most of these Certified NOdara Specialists can also provide handy-dandy decorator Tubberware containers as well. These containers come in a huge variety of sizes and colors and have a sweet pleasing odor reminiscent of Odorous House Ants. They are soon to be available at any BIG Orange Tool Box store near you.
On the National level, economic advisers to the President state that this growth industry could aid in creating millions of jobs and speed recovery of the stagnant economy. Employment at toothbrush and toothpaste factories alone is expected to double in the next 12 months and shortages are predicted. Obviously Tubberware stock went through the roof at the end of trading today.
The State of California (being first at everything of this nature) became the first State to introduce legislation that will require NOdara testing of all homes involved in a Real Estate sale or transfer—-others are expected to follow suit.
What do you do if you suspect that your home may have been invaded by Saga Nodara?
First of all, this is NO TIME TO PANIC!
Just Google: “Certified Saga NOdara Specialist in XXXXXXX” (your area) and get your home analyzed. The only indication of the presence of this gaseous bacterium is a very faint sweet odor of what smells like the inside of a ballerina’s shoe. (For those of you without that experience—a bowling shoe will suffice.) If you smell this odor in your home (This IS a perfect time to panic!) call this toll free number right away (555 028-0028)—-operators are standing by to assist you—-and can direct you to a Certifiable NOdara Specialist in your area.
While The Who, the CPSC and the EPA all emphasize that an infinitesimal number of people will be adversely affected by Saga NOdora, they consider it prudent to err on the side of caution. They expect to see the building codes changed to address the issue as well—although how exactly the problem is pertinent to how homes are built is not immediately clear. Perhaps we will see the demise of forced air heating systems.
By Charles Buell, with tongue firmly in cheek .